Check Ignition Vol I: Inertia. Idiots. Red Paint.

Meh. Yesterday we were shagged the fuck out by school, work, child-rearing, and the daily grind of life that doesn't go away just because you're moving. So we were naughty, naughty renovators, and didn't even go to Space Ranch.

This was probably not the worst course of action to take. Yesterday was one of those shit-annoying days where everything takes fourteen times longer and sixteen steps more than it should. Also, the vast majority of the people we encountered had apparently been lobotomized or pithed overnight.

For example: We paid TWO SEPARATE and EQUALLY FUCKING FRUITLESS visits to the vet's office. (There are, for some reason, three small, bitchy, hairy things that live with us. They loll about all day, sleeping, eating, beating the crap out of each other, and shitting into a box full of gravel. I know, it's weird. Also, they're infested with parasites. Why this is considered a normal and fruitful way to spend one's days is beyond me, but they are kinda cuddly.) We need to acquire the one-two punch of Frontline and the insanely toxic, you-must-evacuate-your-house flea bomb before we move, because I'll be goddamned if we're gonna bring even one flea into the shagtastic mansion that is the Space Ranch. Fleas + shag carpet= Eternal Paradise for Fleas. Once they get into the shag, they ain't goin' anywhere. So after we dropped Mary's car off at S & R (yes, transportation issues on top of everything else!), we headed over to the vet's for what should have been a five-minute errand.

Yeah. I'm pretty sure that the "person" who "helped us" at the vet's was operating with less than 2% of their brain mass in good working order. Mind you, this is not the normal state of affairs at our vet's. We really, really like the cats' doctor, and the staff are always very helpful and knowledgeable. But as Bernie Mac used to say: "Oh no, motherfucker, NOT TODAY!" The following dialogue should give you some sense of the fun time we had:

VETCLERK: (brightly) Good morning! Can I help you with something?

MARY: Hey. We need to get some Frontline for the cats, and a flea bomb.

VETCLERK: We don't sell flea bombs. Do you have an account with us?

ROB: Yes. It's under Bokkon, Robert Bokkon.

VETCLERK: Hmmm. Spell it?

MARY: B-o-k-k-o-n. Bokkon. Rob and Mary.

VETCLERK: Hmmmmmmm. I don't see it.

MARY (slightly annoyed): B-o-k-k-o-n.

VETCLERK: "B-o-k-k-i-n"?

MARY and ROB (rising annoyance): "B-O-K-K-O-N". Rob. And Mary.

VETCLERK: Ohhhh, OK. Strider, Noelle and Sadie are your cats?

MARY and ROB: Yes.

VETCLERK: Ok. Now what did you need?

ROB: Frontline. And a flea bomb.

VETCLERK: We don't carry flea bombs. You might try Petco.

MARY: We've gotten flea bombs here before. At least twice.

VETCLERK: Hmmmmm.

ROB (sighs): Look, we also have a question about the Frontline. I've heard that you can get a big-dog-sized dose and divide it up between the cats to save some cash.

VETCLERK: Oh. No. It's for dogs. It says "for dogs" on the package. The one for cats says "for cats".

ROB: Right. I know that. But it's the same stuff.

VETCLERK: Oh. No. It's for dogs. You don't want to do that. It goes into their blood stream. [pronounced as two very distinct words].

MARY: Of course it does. But it's the same stuff.

VETCLERK: No. It says "for dogs".

MARY (sotto voce, to ROB): Do you want to leave and we'll come back when someone else is here?

VETCLERK: Now we do have a six-month supply for cats for $94. Well, but I guess for you that would be a three-month supply. No. Two months.

ROB: Uh. Ok. But we need a flea bomb.

VETCLERK: We don't sell those. You should try Petco.

MARY: Maybe you don't understand. Flea spray. For the house.

VETCLERK: Oh. We have Frontline spray. (grabs bottle from shelf) Here you go.

ROB (examining bottle): This is for pets. It's not for spraying on the furniture.

VETCLERK: Are you sure?

ROB: Yeah. 'Cause it says "be careful when spraying pets to avoid spraying in eyes".

VETCLERK: Oh.

MARY: I think we need to do some more research. We'll be back later. (ROB and MARY exit).

If you'd like to get some idea of what the second visit at 5 PM was like, just copy and paste the entire dialogue you just read into the space helpfully provided below:





Thankfully, one of the other vet techs was also there, and she intervened. We found out that, in fact, they have got the flea bomb we need; they were just out of stock. We made arrangements to return after Thursday.

This shit REALLY took the wind out of our sails. I was a model of self-restraint, but it took a lot of effort; I was actually shaking the second time from tamping down my natural desire to combine as many derivations of the words "fuck" as I could think of with other words such as "idiot", "asshat", "dumbshit" and "goddamned".

In case you were thinking this was supposed to be a blog about house renovation, not vet-tech fuckwittery, well, it is. Keep readin'.

In order to refresh ourselves, and give the day some vague sense of forward motion, we went to Lowe's and Target afterward. Mary got some guerilla Xmas shopping done at Target while Dorian and I looked for period-appropriate (or just cool-looking) cabinet hardware, paint, and floor tiles.

I am pleased to report that there is a ton of Space Ranch-friendly stuff at Lowe's. We found at least five or six different sets of drawer and cabinet handles that we loved. We also bought blue and orange paint for Dorian's room (his choices; our kitchen is blue and orange, a combo we've come to regret, but he says he likes it). He wants to do at least one wall with variously-sized orange polka dots on a blue ground. He's his own man; we know better than to argue, and it just might look really cool.

Finally, we picked up a big ol' bucket of red paint for the kitchen/great room. The working plan is to do various shades of white and greys, with black accents and bold swaths of red, throughout the whole space. The red in question is Valspar's "Fabulous Red": you can find it here : http://beehivestudio.typepad.com/.a/6a00e54f9cbc5e883401053667b1a0970c-pi

Oh, and we have pics now. Look for those in my very next post.